JAMZ SO GNARLY

Hercules in the Haunted World

1961
Directed by: Mario Bava
Starring: Hercules

If you like it when Hercules throws huge rocks around then this is for you, because he does that. The resurrected dead nightgown creeps he fights at the end are insane man. They are running all over the place and jumping on the Hercules like crazy, not all slow and stupid like most resurrected dead nightgown creeps are. The stone monster in the basement cave or whatever has a robot vocoder voice, which was a nice touch, and when he comes out from behind the wall you better not have beer in your mouth or you are going to spit it out all over the place in sheer amazement.

The Brotherhood of Satan 1971

The Brotherhood of Satan, 1971
Directed by Bernard McEveety
(which also happens to be a really cool sounding name)
Starring: old people who worship satan and a nice family in a station wagon


I'm kind of tired right now. I wish I got a coffee at lunch, but I didn't. Oh well. This Brotherhood of Satan movie we have here is astonishingly amazing though. There's all these great shots where there is very little music or action happening and just ridiculously superb camera angles and lens and shots and things. You know, ambience, like say it in a french like accent. ambience. yeah that's real nice. The bad guys and gals totally win in the end too. So go to hell you stupid do-gooders. HAIL SATANUS!

Simon: King of the Witches

Simon: King of the Witches - 1971
Directed by Bruce Kessler
Starring Simon

Simon calls himself a magician, but you may call him a warlock, male-witch or wizard if you like. He practices the arts of white magic, and his work comes with a fee... sometimes more than just money. This is really one of the best 70s witch movies out there, let me tell you. He has lots of great tapestries and blankets and what not when he gets his basement apartment. He does a great job with the atmosphere in there so that holding ceremonies and what not can be taken more seriously by the spirits, gods, energies and inter-dimensional beings. One of the best things about this film is that the ending is kind of creepy and ambiguous, not all wrapped up pretty with a bow on top. I need to start carrying a magic dagger in my spellpouch I think, it really seemed to come in handy for Simon.

Goodbye Gemini

Goodbye Gemini - 1970
Directed by Alan Gibson
Starring Jacki and Julian
the weird ass twins


This movie ruled pretty hard. Totally killer soundtrack that opens with a heavy psych jam over footage of the twins riding the bus. Pretty rad. I like those long intros with a good tune playing, let's you get into the mood and find a good spot to put down the remote and grab your beer. You know, get comfy without missing anything. I should say that if you are a homophobic who really likes all the 3d remakes happening right now then go click around on some other page. This is for open minded types who know what "character development" means. I love movies like this man, a whole lot of vibe and very little plot. Great sideburns, great outfits, great cars, swinging London greatness, color bursting out at you everywhere, bear skin blankets, fuzzed out guitars, whiskey, weed, what else do you need?

The Children (1980) - REVIEW

This movie rules. there is 12 year old kids getting blasted with shotguns and hacked up by ninja swords. there is a lincoln continental limo. the sheriff shoots everything in his path without talking about it first like they usually do in these movies. all the kids have deadly nuclear hugging abilities. the make-up on the fried out dead people is really awesome and gross. the music is all analog synth wonderfullness with a little homage to psycho here and there. if you dont like this movie you are probably a retard, im like 99.9% sure of it actually. did i mention the deadly nuclear hugging abilities? because that happens.

Killer Bats

AKA - The Devil Bat
1940
Starring - Bela motherfucking Lugosi

"A mad scientist develops an aftershave lotion that causes his gigantic bats to kill anyone who wears it."

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHaaa. Did you just read that? I mean c'mon. How amazing is that? I mean really.

Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks and The Mad Butcher DOUBLE FEATURE

Legend of Loch Ness 1976

What a wouldn't give for a nice VHS copy of this one. Found the opening scene on the ol' YouTube today and I had a good deal of fun watching it. I hope you do too. "You do too", what a ridiculous grouping of words that is.

The Mole People

1956
Starring: A bunch of old timey actors I don't know
Directed by: Virgil W. Vogel
Tagline: "...a savage civilization a million years old, raging with blood-lusting fury!"

Sweet Sixteen Trailer

1983
Starring: Aleisa Shirley and Bo Hopkins
Directed by: Jim Sotos
Tagline: "Why are all the boys dying to meet Melissa?"

Necromania

1971
Starring: Maria Arnold, Rene Bond and Ric Lutze
Directed By: Edward D. Wood Jr.
Tagline: "A Tale of Weird Love!"

They Don't Cut the Grass Here Anymore, Trailer

1985
Directed by Nathan Schiff
(also the director of "Weasels Rip My Flesh", which I reviewed not too long ago on here.)

I love when trailers have people talking about the movie into the camera like it was an old time TV show or something, gets me every time. This guy knows how to do gore better than almost anyone. Real meat being ripped apart and thrown all over everyone, just perfect.

Love Me Deadly Trailer

Here we go, I have started uploading a bunch of trailers to the LowDefLove youtube account so as long as they don't delete any of them or shut me down or whatever then we should be good. This one here is for the film "Love Me Deadly" from 1973, Directed by Jacques Lacerte

"The Most Shocking Occult Ordeal Ever Permitted on the Screen!"

The Vampire Lovers

1970
Starring: Ingrid Pitt and Peter Cushing
Directed by: Roy Ward Baker
Tagline: "If you dare... taste the deadly passion of the BLOOD-NYMPHS"

Weasels Rip My Flesh: The Super-Bomb-A-Licious Review

First things first, here's the deal: Weasels Rip My Flesh, Directed by Nathan Schiff in the year 1979, shot on color Super-8mm and in English.
The budget for this film was apparently around $400.

The debut feature length film from the man behind such notable short films as "Mission: Destroy", "The Day the Dog Went Insane" and "Katherine Khullman Lets It All Hang Out", "Weasels Rip My Flesh" is a heartwarming tale of a young boy and his pet weasel Jerry. No it's not actually, not at all. It's a horrendous nightmare vision brought on by radioactive space acid someone slipped into your Yoo-Hoo when you weren't looking. He may or may not have had a mustache.

The plot you ask? Take a wild fucking guess you dumbass. Yeah, exactly, it's about an already rabid weasel that got a bunch of radioactive space goo from the planet Saturn spilled all over him by some kids in Long Island, then becomes huge and gross and mutated and eats the shit out of everyone. Then some detective guys come in to the story somewhere along the line and they get all fucked up fighting this mad scientist that gets both of his arms ripped off. Oops, was that a spoiler? No it wasn't, because if knowing the plot spoils this movie for you then you are either not watching it for the right reasons or you are going into it sober, which is just stupid. I mean really. Actually, I didn't even spoil the best part... the very end of the movie... it's shocking and grotesque in a way seldom allowed to be spoken of, let alone filmed.

LET THE TERROR RIP THROUGH YOUR SOUL!!!


My favorite part of the entire movie is this one dude that gets bitten by the weasel but he is wearing flip-flops and when he is walking all rabid and crazy you can hear them going "flip...flop...flip...flop" all the way through the yard. He flips over a lawn chair too, pretty badass. maybe it's more like "shchpuk...shchpuk...shchpuk...", but you know the noise I'm talking about. Hilarious.

Here he is on the left...




The other amazing thing is that there are kids in it that swear a lot in the beginning. Usually that will do it for me every time, there's nothing quite like a well placed "Hey Asshole!".



Well, if you end up wanting to get down and boogie on the whole film then you can let 'er rip on the old Netflix or buy it from wherever you buy things. It is released by Image Entertainment, who I must say does a spectacular job on these old low-budget flicks. They put out a lot of the early Ted V. Mikels stuff as well... but that is a discussion for another time.


As always, love beer, love cheese and Love the smell of a westerly breeze.

FUNSPOT RULES

So there is this magical castle in NH (where I'm from) called "FUNSPOT", wherein lies the mighty dragon "TOPSNUF". He hoards all these awesome old video games and candy and stuff in there to try and lure in little kids and eat them. Me and my friends used to go there all the time and be rowdy and obnoxious to everyone. It was great. It's located smack dab in the middle of pretty much the best place ever, Weirs Beach. It may be run down and crappy looking to some, but it houses not only the largest video arcade IN THE WORLD, FUNSPOT, but also a totally radical old drive-in theater. What more could you ask for in a town? Does your town have either of those things? Probably not. You lose.



One time I drove up there in my '88 VW GTI and blew the motor while driving down the main strip. It was a serious bummer man, I was with my then lady woman and everything, but when life hands you lemons... So we actually had it running just barely enough that I limped it across the street to the drive-in and we watched a movie while waiting for the tow-truck. I forget what the movie was though, but whatever, point is I could have been stuck in Tewksbury waiting around in the White Hen Pantry parking lot but instead I was eating popcorn and watching beautifully illuminated moving images in the great outdoors. We probably even went to FUNSPOT afterwards.

FUNSPOT is so goddamn rad that weird Japanese people go there to make videos for their weird Japanese friends back home in Japan. I mean c'mon, take a look here why don't you...







Once I finish my van I am going to take a trip up there with a bunch of people and eat shitloads of fried dough and play Galaga for like 4 hours straight then get totally shitfaced at the tavern (yeah they have a tavern even) and play mini-golf all night. Jealous?

Check out the website for way more info and how to get there if you feel like doing a road trip or some shit.

FUNSPOT

THE WEIR'S DRIVE-IN

Radioactive Yeti Kills Nine: Eats Tongue

I just came across this super weird tale about a group of russian skiers that were mysteriously killed in the Ural Mountains back in 1959. It is officially called the "Dyatlov Pass Incident".

Basically These nine skiers were way the hell out in the middle of nowhere in the snowy mountains and were attacked and killed by something, but no one knows quite what. They all left their tent in the middle of the night, ripping their way out from inside, and had only underwear on. Some of the people had just one shoe, or sock, things like that. So in other words, they were in a wicked hurry and scared shitless so they got the fuck out of there. It was 25-30 below zero outside at the time. The first five bodies were found about 500 meters away from the tent and had died of hypothermia. The other four bodies were found some distance away in a ravine and 3 of them had fatal injuries. Two of them being crushed rib cages and the other having his skull caved in. One of the medical examiners said the force used to kill them would be comparable to a car crash. (or a Radioactive Yeti fist). The bodies had no external wounds, as if they were crippled by a high level of pressure and one of the women was found to be missing her tongue. This is interesting, the Yeti may have been in a rush for some reason or scared that more people were on their way, so he just grabbed the tongue and ripped it out since that is the quickest way to get the most nutritional value and it would be easy to carry away. check this out from the wiki on beef tongues....

"The human consumption of beef tongue dates back to the days of Paleolithic hunters, who preferred the fatty portions of the carcass including tongues, as well as organs, brains, feet, and marrow"

So basically my theory is that the Russian goverment was messing around with radioactive goo or whatever up in the Ural mountains and somehow they spilled it all over a Yeti, or got it into his water supply or who knows what else. Then the Yeti becomes radioactive and super pissed and kills a bunch of people. He is probably still roaming the forest as we speak, with glowing orange spheres around his fists like Quasar or something when he gets angry.

Be warned Radioactive Yeti exists.



So anyway, have you guys seen "Shriek of the Mutilated", "Snowbeast", and "The Capture of Bigfoot" yet? If you haven't then you should really get on it right away. You can get them all on one disc from netflix so it's kind of a no brainer, especially after reading about all this scary shit right here. You want to have as much knowledge about the Yeti as possible before you go into battle and you want to watch more movies with Buck Flower in them.

the gulls have the ancient knowledge that we lack